The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition
/It’s that time of year again when the leather and feather brigade descends on Bali. Here at The Legian Street Journal, we know a thing or two about Ubud mantras and tantras.
So let’s take a look at the Bali Spirit Festival guestlist.
Chakra Smudgemore - lightworker/ astrologer/ Shamanic spirit animal channeler. Born in France. Spent the last year of the pandemic in the jungles of Costa Rica making vegan leather bracelets in a women’s collective. Hasn't been around testosterone in 2 years. Doesn't know how to balance male and female energy. Happy to hex you but not sex you. Regardless of her woven thong bikini and gold body paint she aint interested. Move along before she howls at the moon.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Chakra Smudgemore
Loinal Codpeace - fire twirler/ womans life coach / tantric yoga instructor (women only) and DJ - expert in mansplaining, wearing linen with no underwear and a feather in his hair. Is subliminally passive-aggressive and likes to use hypnosis on unwitting victims. Thinks he is God’s gift to women - and will tell them so. In Ubud to lose his ego yet says "I” 300 times a day and then charges you for the privilege. Talks about coffee colonics at breakfast. Starts every sentence with Namaste to appear more interesting. Will tell you he is heart centred - when actually he is just dick centred. Avoid.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Loinal Codpeace
Max Charlottan - Cryptocurrency workshop facilitator and bitcoinepreneur from Colorado. Trust fund baby with Ivy League education who likes to say he his 'self-made'. Doesn’t wear shoes to appear more down to earth. Could be anywhere but chose Bali because his friends are here and he heard the women are hot and easy. Here to take you through coding class and the benefits of micro-dosing. Likes to call himself a cryptobro without any irony.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Max Charlottan
Chrystal Yonee - hula hooping instructor, tarot card reader and wellness influencer. Hails from Byron Bay and likes to call herself a global citizen. Wears white. Says Aloha. Hasn't been anywhere except Bali, Byron and Bondi. Believes those 3 places are a sacred triangle that create a portal to other dimensions. Says light seed in everyday conversation, sees 11:11, did breathwork once but hyperventilated. In Ubud on a tourist VOA and to volunteer at the festival. Won’t get paid but may get deported for working illegally.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Chrystal Yonee
Airy Mcfadden - Irish beginners acroyoga instructor and English school teacher. Mastered her downward dog and yoga skills after a night on the piss in the pubs of Dublin. Is only attending because her school made her go. Thinks Ubud is full of weirdos and freaks but still lives there because she is dating a local right now. Only uses social media to doom scroll and get the gossip - only posts when life is perfect. Other wise stays in her room all day watching bad TV, drinking and crying. Can't wait for her contract to end. Misses her mum.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Airy Mcfadden
Drew Shaka (middle) - Aussie surfer, lives in Uluwatu or Canggu - works as a plumbers apprentice when in Oz. Only up in Ubud to party with his crypto bros and to score some yoga chicks. Has no idea what an ice bath is but will try anything once. Pretends he is vegan to get the girls. Loves a steak and babi guling. Did sound healing at the Pyramids of Chi last year with his Russian ex-girlfriend but it sent him to sleep. Thinks the mushies might be better up here.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Drew Shaka (middle)
Shifty Local aka Smiling Assassin - says he is here as a ‘taxi’ service. Is actually here to film everything and report it to Immigrasi. But only after posting it all over Indonesian social media channels. Complains bule are ruining the island but doesn’t mind zooming in on sweaty women dancing and the yoga classes. Also doesn’t mind them paying off his cockfighting debt.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Shifty Local aka Smiling Assassin
Dreadie McLoch - has lived in Bali so long he doesn’t even know if his visa is still valid. Disappeared into the hills behind Amed years ago and only comes down for special events. Has dreadlocks from the time Bowie visited Bali. Smells of incense and cempaka - no matter how much he bathes. No longer owns shoes or socks. Only listens to reggae. Misses the old Bali. Age unknown. Knows where the best mushies are.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Dreadie McLoch
Sidnee Shia - first time in Ubud but has been to Bali 3 times when she was single. Recently divorced. Lives in Sydney’s Shire and doesn’t get out much. Thought ecstatic dance meant what it does back home. Was looking forward to getting on the pingers with the girls like she did 20 years ago on Oxford Street. Had no idea she had to do yoga, meditate in public, dance in a muddy field with half naked strangers and that there would be no slurpy cup cocktails. Will sell her ticket for tomorrow and return to the safety of her rented villa in Seminyak. Doesn’t like 'weird'. May hook up with a vegan surfer later in the day but not sure yet. Will tell everyone back home she loved it so she looks cool. Secretly screaming on the inside. Misses Miranda Fair.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Sidnee Shia
Svetlana and Godiva Threesomevski - Russian ex-gymnast twins stranded in Bali since the beginning of the pandemic. Do not give a shit about local customs and think g strings are clothes. Tickets to festival (like everything else) paid for by their “VIP” clients. Can be seen in many ‘arthouse’ films filmed in the villas of Ubud. They are here to dance and express their female essence. They haven’t cracked a smile since 2010. Have left the kids with the Balinese babysitter while they wait for their Saudi ‘friend’ to fly in for tantra class. The new Ubud local.
The people you meet at the Bali Spirit Festival - Special Edition - Svetlana and Godiva Threesomevski
More news to follow.